I suspect that you are not going to surprise your children if you tell them you are getting a divorce. Children know that their parents are not happy because they witness their parents interact constantly. I have not worked with any children who were not able to identify that their parents were constantly arguing or angry at each other unless a child was nonverbal or had some sort of handicap. Children sense whether a relationship between two people is good or bad, sometimes much more effectively than the parents.

Talk to your children together, if possible, using language they understand. Inform the children that mom and dad are not happy in their marriage and have decided to stop being married to each other so that they can hopefully be happy in the future. Inform the children that just because mom and dad are no longer going to be married, both parents will continue to love the children and be in their lives forever. Inform the children that it is not their fault that mom and dad are no longer going to be married to each other any longer!

Next, ask the children if they have any questions. Most kids will need time to process what was just said but many will be relieved and hopeful that any tension that they have been experiencing will end. Let the child know that they can talk to you or your ex about their questions at any time. If they ask you a question that you do not know the answer to, such as "Where I am going to live?" be honest and let them know you and your ex will figure out where they are going to live but no matter where they live you will love them and continue to be part of their lives. Assure them that they are not going to be replaced or forgotten. More likely than not, your children will be scared of the unknown, you may be scared of the unknown, let them know that you don't have all the answers but you are sure you are going to love and interact with them for the rest of their lives.

It is best if both parents inform the children about the divorce at the same time but this may not always be possible. If your partner does not want to be part of telling your children about the divorce, tell them "Mom and dad are getting a divorce." Be honest! Do not talk for the opposing parent. Do not talk negatively about your soon to be ex. If they ask you a question about your ex, indicate that is a good question and you will help them ask your soon to be ex the question as soon as possible.

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*Disclaimer: The materials provided in this article are for informational purposes only. Use of and access to this article or any of the links contained within the article or website do not create a relationship between the author and the user or browser. We are professionals that have been trained and have experience in assisting individuals going through a divorce. We are not lawyers and do not provide legal advice.

When you decide to divorce, it is a very emotional and difficult time for you. Unfortunately, it is just as emotional and difficult for your children: they did not make this decision and must deal with multiple upcoming changes in their lives from divorce. You love your children and want the best for them, especially in difficult times. Very likely your children know people and have friends whose parents are divorced; they have ideas about what divorce means. This will be a difficult discussion but an important one to begin setting a firm foundation for a positive future. Children can and do adjust to divorce, it is up to us as parents to pave the way for healthy adjustment.

Tell your children with your partner in a family meeting to reduce confusion and maintain your children's trust in you. They will have one version of what to expect. Be honest and focus on how they will be affected and have a plan. Tell your children about the divorce after you and your partner know for certain when and how you plan to handle divorce but shortly before changes occur in their lives, such as one week before the changes start. Telling children too soon creates unnecessary angst while waiting too long does not allow time to adjust. Acknowledge how the marriage has been difficult for the children, such as overhearing arguments, let them know you and your partner are divorcing and you both love them as much as you always did. Be ready to answer questions. If you know where each parent will be living and when they will be with each parent, they will certainly feel more protected than when they do not know what to expect. Keep it simple and focus on your children's needs. If you don't have an answer for a question, admit it and tell them you and your partner will figure it out and get back to them.

Remember: Tell your children it is not their fault, the divorce is between you and your partner, you will help them with the changes.

*Disclaimer: The materials provided in this article are for informational purposes only. Use of and access to this article or any of the links contained within the article or website do not create a relationship between the author and the user or browser. We are professionals that have been trained and have experience in assisting individuals going through a divorce.  We are not lawyers and do not provide legal advice.