Communicating with a soon-to-be ex can be incredibly complicated and the difficulty level is generally related to the amount of conflict between you and your ex. The primary difficulty I see when working with individuals who are going through a divorce is one partner may be passively or openly attacking their soon-to-be ex because they feel they have been wronged. This generally results in the other each person attacking their soon to be ex over and over again. The constant exchanges of insults and inappropriate behaviors only escalates each person's wounds and generally results in your ex participating within behaviors to injure, anger or upset you.

The best way to communicate with your soon-to-be ex is to treat them with respect so they treat you with respect even when they are not being nice to you. If it is an incredibly horrific divorce, it may be appropriate to only communicate through your attorneys, or an agreed upon third party, until both individuals have healed emotionally enough to communicate with each other effectively.

The question I ask individuals I work with who are going through a divorce and are having troubles communicating with their ex-significant other is "What can you do to reduce the conflict and tension related to your ex-significant other?" Unfortunately, most individuals have difficulties even understanding this question whereas they feel they have been injured and need to injure the other partner to get even. This results in increased problems and costs as a result of the constant arguments, disagreements, and revengeful behaviors. I have had the privilege of working with individuals who have taken the "high ground." These individuals do not respond to emotional attacks by attacking the other individual. This is not to say they don't defend themselves to the best of their ability but there is a difference between attacking your ex or defending yourself. Individuals who want to heal and move on with their lives develop goals and control their behaviors and emotions towards accomplishing their goals.

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*Disclaimer: The materials provided in this article are for informational purposes only. Use of and access to this article or any of the links contained within the article or website do not create a relationship between the author and the user or browser. We are professionals that have been trained and have experience in assisting individuals going through a divorce. We are not lawyers and do not provide legal advice.

Going through a divorce likely means you really don't want to interact with your ex-spouse at all. Avoiding communication may feel like a positive choice as it may allow you to put off possible confrontations. However, there will inevitably be things to discuss with your ex-spouse such as your children's schedule, financial separation and even who gets the dog to name a few. Putting off these discussions won't make them go away; the need to figure these things out will, in fact, grow as the divorce progresses. Likely, you do not look forward to these discussions but do really need to manage these changes in order to go on with your life.

First of all, consider what's to be gained by working on communication with your ex. Moving on after divorce means making decisions to manage the ending of the marriage and the start of life as a newly single, and more experienced, person. Remaining goal-oriented in any communication with your ex-spouse will increase your chances of having an adequate outcome to your concerns. Keeping such communication brief and to-the-point will reduce the opportunities for arguments which do not meet your goals. Consider taking an impersonal tone with your ex-spouse; being intentionally business-like in these interactions will help reduce emotionality in the moment. Reducing your own emotional reaction in the moment makes you less vulnerable to others' attempts upset you.

Sometimes, a newly divorced person may find verbal communication simply too painful to contemplate. When that happens, consider communication via email or text. Both text and email can be reviewed before being sent to be business-like and focused on the issue at hand. You can also take time to ask a support person that you trust, professional or personal friend, for feedback about your wording. Remember, always ask yourself clearly what your goal is in any communication with your ex-spouse and stick to that goal.

*Disclaimer: The materials provided in this article are for informational purposes only. Use of and access to this article or any of the links contained within the article or website do not create a relationship between the author and the user or browser. We are professionals that have been trained and have experience in assisting individuals going through a divorce. We are not lawyers and do not provide legal advice.